i will rise up with fists

portionsfrfoxes @ 2007-07-31T10:16:00

2007-07-31T18:29:10Z

2 invitations to move to bombay
2 mormons who have crushes on me (one for sure, one...90% sure)
3 job offers/interviews
one in seattle full-time but doesnt sound like too much fun...perfect pay/benefits though (tuition repayment, full medical/dental, free flexpass for seattle transit). ill be on the phone all day making reservations, but the money is good and a job is just a job, right?
one in seattle for the winter, the other half of the time being spent training around mostly the western US and in AK (back to shagway!)...this seems like a pretty badass job. and i already know/am friends with the management AND the people i would be managing.
one back here at the dredge being the full operations manager. management here=not so good. we are building a brewery here though. and i already know im good at the job. i just dont know what ill do with myself during the winter time. maybe ill move to bombay. and at least id be able to travel a little bit, see friends at home/beloit, and for sure be able to have christmas at home.
(please advise)
2 bears that keep digging through our garbage
1 silly costume worn whilst sitting around a bonfire next to the river, making s'mores.

portionsfrfoxes @ 2007-07-18T10:29:00

2007-07-18T19:04:19Z

Alright everyone, it is time for me to update you on my Alaskan adventures.
I finally went to Canada, which is only about an hour-long drive from Skagway. I was a little disappointed in it, as the roads were not paved in gold and the streetlights weren't lollipops. There are, however, cheap groceries and more than three thousand people. EXCITING! I was able to smuggle some ripe produce across the Canadian border, which made me happy that I did not have to explain the whereabouts of my mangoes. I went to Carcross, where most of the population (of 300) still lives in houses from the gold rush of 1898. The town of Bennett still accepts gold as currency. Despite all this gold money, I wonder how the Yukon clothes itself...There were only two clothing stores to be found, one of which sold exclusively Carhartts and various other heavy-labor accoutrement.
The drive from Skagway to Whitehorse, The Yukon Highway, is the most amazing stretch of land I have ever seen. Words can not even describe what it is like. I don't think there is anything else in the world that even comes close. As soon as I get pictures of my trip, I will post them online. The waterfalls off the mountains were especially strong yesterday due to the TONS and TONS of RAIN we've been getting here (and it is not supposed to stop for another week). It's a good thing though...The town of Skagway runs off of hydroelectric power from Pitchfork Falls and the Dewey Lake System. The clouds began to break towards the end of our trip and we got to see the lakes. Emerald Lake is green and clear because there is no inlet or outlet except the source of the water, which is a glacier. The chemicals from the glacier turn the water that green color. Lake Tutshi is one of the larger lakes in the mountains and the Natives used to think it was evil because the water is so dark and the wind is really strong, which creates whitecaps. Finally, I got to frolic in the smallest desert in the world, which was created by glacier movement and silt-processes (or something like that).
The forth of July here in Skagway was pretty interesting. There was a pretty big party downtown and I went with a big group of people I work with to watch the fireworks. Luckily, there wasn't much fog or many clouds, so everything was pretty easy to see. The fireworks were at the harbor, against the mountains in the inlet. The lights and sounds didn't seem all that impressive though, considering the really tall mountains dwarfed them.
But now...what I know you actually care about...

Wildlife Spotted (Still no Moose or Caribou):

Black Bear (Today, for the first time! It was in our trash.)
Seals
Golden Eagles
River Otters
Bald Eagles
Blue Jays
Whales
Salmon
Dolphins
Ravens (They are like Pidgins here.)(And are especially active lately. The salmon are spawning soon in the river.)

I believe that I am searching for something here that I doubt I'll ever be able to find. I certainly will never be able to find anything like this anywhere else or at any other time. I am obviously searching for the confidence to be an adult and be on my own. It is is frightening to be where I am right now, but so terribly exciting. I have no idea what will happen from day to day, I can decide where I want to work, what I want to do, the world is so full for me. At the same time, I would like something stable and...a place to go after this summer. Transience is alright for the time but I think I want something more than that. I want friends that will last past this summer.
And really,
what I guess it comes down to,
is that I want a boyfriend.
I have refused to admit this fact, though it should be so obvious.
Here's another list:

Boys I've kissed in Alaska:

Martin
Sam
Matt
Nathan (who looks a lot like Nathan F-K but does not remind me of him. This Nathan lives on a glacier most of the week and gets Fridays off...so comes down, buys groceries, goes to Moe's, usually finds me, subsequently tries to make out with me, stays alone in Sargent Preston's Lodge until he's due back up on the Glacier the next day)
Don (who does not live in Skagway but was visiting some friends here. He lives in Seattle.)

I am not compatible with any of these people, except probably Don. And he has a house in Seattle, no plans to move to Skagway, or Chicago (pshaw, really good job and amazing property). Even though he's no longer here, we still talk on the phone and he tries to convince me to visit him. I think I might. It could be fun. Maybe I will try to go at some point when there is a good show going on. Oh, and by the way, he is SO CUTE.
It must seem totally juvenile to keep liking these people that it would be so impossible to have a relationship with, even though this is what I claim to want. There must be some sort of deep-seeded emotional issue that I am refusing to admit, currently. (Meh, at least I know that part).

In any case, the gist of my ramblings is: everything is going alright here. On the surface, I probably act like things are perfect or things are awful. They are neither of these things. One must pay the price for living in the great wide open (which, I think the case may often be, is feeling terribly lonesome sometimes) and being on one's own (being easily knocked around, feeling as if inner-strength will never develop).

I hope everyone else is doing alright. I really do. I think I realize now why my previously-graduated-from-college-friends told me how tough the summer after graduation is. We need to stick together. SO CALL ME. SERIOUSLY.

a long overdue update

2007-04-11T03:40:17Z

anxiety.
here are some options.
1. lay in my bed to cry for a few minutes and probably feel a bit better.
2. go on a zombie-watch walk by my lonesome.
3. try to forget it by doing the reading i dont give two shits about or fiddling on the god-forsaken internet.

i have been drinking too much lately. and smoking.
i am afraid i might have picked up smoking, even though i cant afford it and dont really want to. there is just something so natural about my position at the bar, talking to a close friend, with a leinies in one hand and a marlboro 27 in the other.
i suppose if im going to smoke, i should roll my own, instead of supporting big tobacco.
and, oh!, i had such a good time at the bar last night! even though i feel as if i might be playing with fire again, it is good to be back on..talking terms, at least.

goodness, ive been trying to do everything right. i have been doing my homework, and working out, and trying to love unconditionally without much return. but i still feel so rejected from most parts of the things i want so much.
and i have been feeling ohsoinadequate for everyone and every job.

maybe i should go back on my medicine? i dont want to do that unless i know i am going to have health insurance to be able to talk to someone about it...i cant do it on my own and it is expensive if you dont have insurance.
i just want people to recognize how much i love them. and i feel like i cant even do that. i am paralyzed by not being able to love my friends enough so i end up not loving at all.

and why do i miss people so much when i live down the hall from them?!?! what is going to happen next year [when you all are doing amazing things and i am living in my moms basement, working at kohls, as she so lovingly suggested]?

i am not as sad as this might let on. i am just pretty sleepy and anxious because i am SUPPOSED to know about the c-haus job by tomorrow, so i will know if i can go to chile, so i will know if i can go back on my medicine, so i will know if i wasted one hundred dollars on a passport so as to have it on time, so i will know if i can have time to apply to my next years plans, so i will know if i need to find another place to live?!?!

"turtles all the way down"

2007-03-28T04:56:00Z

GRADUATION!
FUTURE!
HAPPINESS!
MY OWN KITCHEN!

but first, so much work to get finished! four book reviews, finishing/revising one paper, and researching/writing/revising/writing/revising another, two class facilitations.

sure, im kind of freaking out, especially because i dont much care.

i just want an apartment with a cat and a teapot. and health insurance.
the end will come sooner than i think we all realize.

portionsfrfoxes @ 2007-02-11T03:31:00

2007-02-11T09:32:27Z

please read scotts entry.

the end.

outlines and pronunciation

2007-02-06T07:23:31Z

talk of the chill in the air is on the tip of everyones tongue. it is less of a chill and is more of a burning cold, leaving a tingling in your thighs and tear ducts after finally arriving to a warm destination.
i like the way it feels to jump into bed when the draft comes through the window. i usually lay there and think for a while, dreading the onset of sleep, wanting to enjoy the warmth of the bed fighting against the frostycoolness attempting to infiltrate my warm borders. my military readiness against the cold is well-established (top of the line, really) and intelligence about the enemy is highly prolific.
i think all too much when my eyelids are drooping. i like thinking about past loves and the outlines of vertebrae, maybe the curves of smiles and the way it sounds when you pronounce pretty words, like quixotic and circumspect.
i always imagined my endlessly wandering mind as the toothpicks under my heavy eyes. there is something about hanging on to that moment right before sleep, like that last awkward kiss after a one-night stand.
finality.
bonne nuit.

and, you know, ive started thinking the way craig finn sings...frantically mumbling, like it is the last thought anyone will ever know was mine. the words that come out (somehow) tend to be slow, and carefully chosen. i would rather like to divulge all this into one person, a receptacle for my thoughts. but, ohdear, i think i need protection for those types of intimacy.

portionsfrfoxes @ 2007-01-23T18:46:00

2007-01-24T01:01:42Z

my life is currently disintegrating all around me. i am trying to make a joke out of it, my dad tells me to not become one of those "half empty" sorts of people. i finally got my computer back, one ripped pair of favorite jeans and a tank of gas later. i have $3.24 in my checking account, thanks to the lack of immediacy on the part of turtle creek bookstore. kims dogs, as cute as they are, are driving me absolutely insane and i cannot wait to not have to deal with that. i think i might be coming down with something, seeing as everyone around me is sickly and i have been doing nothing but sleeping and reading, with breaks in between to feedwaterandwalk the dogs. i am feeling alienated and sad, thanks to largeLARGElarge groups of people that are intimidating and my lack of money (therefore, lack of medicine that usually aids in my campaign against anxiety and depression).

there is a sense of immediacy around making everything alright. there are some very specific goals that i must meet within the next few days. these goals include working out daily (runs in the gym so em and i do well for the 8k in april), going on the special k diet (leave me alone), getting more work done every night, finishing job applications/finding a post-grad job and home in general, and staving off this possible illness for as long as possible.

i know this is all seeming very sad and downbeat but this happens often when im readjusting. i just need to follow these plans and trying to feel a lot better about things.

portionsfrfoxes @ 2007-01-11T01:41:00

2007-01-11T07:44:38Z

so, listen, ive not really been around much lately. i cant help but criticize every word before pressing that "post" button to let the whole world read about my life. in lieu, i have just been choosing not to post anything at all. my life over break is not interesting by any stretch of the imagination. i am mostly missing friends or watching law and order or trying to crochet another hat.
i got new glasses and i like them. ive gladly slept on a total of four futons that do not belong to me. i added some new names to a couple of lists that im not too proud of. ive made some resolutions, like being nicer to people and to stop drinking/smoking so much (uhm, i suppose these will start once i get back to beloit, right?). i made some calls, stoned or drunk off my ass, bothering friends and family. i have things that i regret and that i feel sick to my stomach about. and, quite frankly, i need to make some changes.
i need to go to the doctor really badly and to fill some prescriptions before going back to school. i need someone to make me feel better about my past mistakes-i need the resolve not to make these mistakes ever again. i need to go through my whole lifes worth of accumulated junk so my mom can sell the house i grew up in. i need to pack my things to go back to beloit, i need to bring my car in for an oil change. i need to do some laundry.

i am feeling quite defeated. but i am ready for a change and trying to a keep an even head on these anxious shoulders.

portionsfrfoxes @ 2006-11-02T22:58:00

2006-11-03T04:58:09Z

the following are not very good for my restless bones:

1) couchsurfing website. i can travel across the country for the cost of a bus ticket and stay at strangers houses! interesting strangers! who also have a penchant for travelling and take good pictures! of course, i wouldnt tell mom and dad what i was doing, probably just tell them i was staying at a hostel or something. but, it just seems to make sense...travelling by paying with homemade cookies and hugs than with cash. also, they would probably be able to show me more about their hometowns that i would be able to tell through my wanderings by my lonesome.

2) lonely planet. makes me ask myself why i havent been to all of these amazing places yet. slovenia, for its hiking and biking paths? calcutta, for the food and the amazing textiles? dubai, for the nightlife or dublin, for the local culture and meetings with random people?

3) statravel. i can go from chicago to berlin and back for only fivehundred dollars. i have this amount of money saved. why not go? cheap travel makes me sad that ive not been more places.

4) friends: everywhere! as i look through my address book, it makes me wish i could just be everywhere at once. all these places i wish i were, all these people i wish i were with! i want to unexpectedly show up on my friends doors, with flowers and a bottle of cheap wine for a party.
distance, however, is no laughing matter! cutting through geographic distance requires lots of expensive fossil fuels, or new running shoes and lots of carbohydrates! limitlessness, in terms of bodily restrictions and physicality, is impossible in this world. crossing these state and country lines is desireable but when will enough be enough?!

5) love: everywhere and nowhere, all at once! grasping to this feeling across distance is what hurts the most. they say, and by they, i mean MALCOLM GLADWELL (whos opinion i dont take completely seriously, but lets just say i do) says that distance, well, lack thereof, creates friendships. friendship is not based on interest. friendship is based on location location location. you will likely become better friends with your neighbor of differing interests than the person who you instantly click with but lives 200 miles away.
love must wait until my restlessness comes to an end! i think. or maybe i will fall in love and then my restlessness will end.

i am so shaped by the specificity of my past and present. these things in my past, documented with the pictures on my walls and letters in my scrapbooks, make me who i am. but i am also completely defined by the openendedness of my future. the uncertainty of the events my future hold makes me the insane and fragmentary person i seem right now.
how can ones identity be so based on events that have not even occurred yet? how can i be shaped by an enigmatic (non)event?

in other news, at the bar last night, we toasted to the recently deceased, of which clifford geertz is one. he died of complications during heart surgery the day before yesterday.
as the "representative" of the socio-cultural anthropologists in my class, i was forced into making the toast over a round of beer in my senior seminar class.
it went something like this: "to clifford geertz, may your ephemeral body live on". everyone clinked their glasses and i felt silly because my toast was so impersonal.
and, quite frankly, it was meant to be.
i wondered how much one can really know about a person from their academic works or interests. perhaps, one does not always need to believe what they write...they can just say things because they think they sound good or are able to make a better argument the way that just feels wrong. not that i have read much geertz (i just know the requisite "thick description" and symbolism in cultural anthropology bit), i just feel that even if i had, i wouldnt know much about him. personally. so, to his "ephemeral" body. i dont even know where i got that from...i dont think i know what that word really means.
also, furthering the rediculousness of this toast, i was dressed as claude levi-strauss, who has outlived geertz! emily was dressed as franz boas and we danced to "i just died in your arms tonight" by cutting crew. if you get this joke, please let me know. we will be friends for the rest of forever.

tonight, i will work on my paper about diaspora within chinese-american women, watch lost, and go to chaus! also, i dont have to work.
friday, i will be in chicago to see lucero at the metro. it will be my triumphant return. this time: with a valid state id and my anti-hipster affectations!

portionsfrfoxes @ 2006-09-24T20:26:00

2006-09-25T01:28:24Z

this may seem obvious to everyone else except me, but...

IM SO FUCKING AFRAID OF INTIMACY.

some notes on geography and the nasty after-effects of gin and juice night

2006-09-17T23:21:48Z

last night, i drank so much that i puked. on the art house kitchen floor. this is the first time that ive drank to the point of puking in a really long time (at least since mid-last semester). underclassmen (zoe and kyle) and emily took care of me. i dont know why i drank so much, but i did. i think ive been stressed and overworked and overloving but underloved and homesick (see tattoo). these are silly enabler types of reasons for my dangerous drinking habits. you would think i would stop doing such things as i get older and (i am told) more mature.
also, i was a little upset by the boy situation...which will not be discussed in such a public forum. the long and short of it is that im feeling dejected and maybe that this whole "love 'em and leave 'em" thing isnt for me, as much as i am a proponent of it. maybe perhaps i should stop falling in love so readily.
in any case, gin and juice=bad.
in an apology/thank you to those who i puked on or cleaned up my puke or had anything to do with the puke incident, katy and i went to the apple hut and i bought/delivered the best apple cider donuts in southwestern wisconsin.

i have an immense amount of work to get done for tomorrow and tuesday. i just dont want to think about it anymore.

i have one of my favorite pictures of me and my dad framed and sitting on my windowsill. i am sitting on the beach in my bathing suit, cross-legged staring out at the ocean. my dad is bent over, fixing a floppy hat on my head. all you can see is the sand, the ocean, my dad, me, and our shadows. sometimes i think life might be a bit better if i could go back to those moments of awe and feeling nurtured. especially in lieu of feeling hungover and cold and sad.

unprepared for the week, the epic weekends, and the rainy weather.

2006-09-11T23:56:19Z

this weekend was insane.
im thinking i should just leave it at that. saturday was one of those crazy nights that didnt actually end until brunch the next morning. and, fuck, i just wanted to hold on to my last folk and blues for as long as possible. but eventually, the sunrise just slips from your fingers like sand in your shoes after leaving the beach.

ive slept through most of today because this is what the weather wants. therefore, i will wander to java joint to do homework and speak awful pseudo-french with anya.

portionsfrfoxes @ 2006-09-02T21:27:00

2006-09-03T03:35:43Z

"he awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. and during the course of each day his heart would decend from his chest into his stomach. by early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was ever right for him, and by the desire to be alone. by evening, he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his lonliness. i am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, i am not sad. as if he might one day convince himself. or fool himself. or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad."

how do you do it? you make it seem effortless.

2006-08-30T05:57:12Z

five minutes a day. in the shower, sitting in front of the computer, or contentedly staring out the window. i am making myself smile. it makes me feel better. its like the curves of my lips are hitting the on/off switches for my endorphins. or, at least, this is what i imagine.

this practice is one of many that ive been incorporating into my daily routine. a routine, i promise myself, that will break the barriers of this rut (reverse culture shock?). various other practices included in my new-and-improved daily schedule: running or working out in some way for at least an hour, twenty minutes a day of straightening or cleaning my room, taking medicine plus fish-oil tablets and horsepill-sized tablets of vitamin c (to ensure good health), balancing my checkbook, calling at least one (or both) of my parents or a good friend that feels like family per day, making sure my daily planner is filled out with homework and other obligations completely.

you see, life is too fucking short to be sad anymore. thats what i keep telling myself. this is a little something i like to call "war against chronic depression".
and it is a total mindfuck.

i am sick of being stubborn and, most of all, i am sick of holding grudges. it is tiring. i have love for these people just as much as the others with whom i wear my heart on my sleeve. i just tuck it away, behind my (severely wounded) pride and hurt feelings.
unabashedly loving others may hurt but not loving them at all would simply take all the fun out of it.

today, i made some mistakes. but i dont regret them. like i said, i wont be here long...but the time that i do have here, even if it is painful and agonizing and nearly crushing, will not be spent worrying about being a silly girl from time to time.

surprisingly enough, i am happy with my nose in a book. i am loved here. and, really, i love everyone i meet here.
i hope this delightfully enamored feeling remains. i also hope the sun is out tomorrow and i hope there is a little chill in the breeze.

and life will work out. my parents may be disappointed in my profession (using the term very loosely) and i may never ever fall in love again. but everything will fall into place.
i am sure of it.
the completely overwhelmed feeling remains...but i am sure that i will always be amazed at being where i am.

serendipity on a cool south dakota night.

2006-08-07T17:59:02Z

one of my last "club catii". we decided to go. i got drunk. we danced.
i met this boy from ireland. we danced. his name was aidan. they were trying to make it to california but got lost and somehow ended up in wall along the way.
we got kicked out at 2.
stacie tried to get on a harley so the owner could take her for a ride. she fell off the bike twice. they never left the parking spot.
i smoked weed with a bunch of really drunk, really old bikers. we didnt even hide the pipe, as we smoked it in front of cactus, which is on main street. there were no cops. no one at all, really, to be offended by our disregard for the law.

i kissed the irish boy. he asked me to marry him. i told him i would. we talked and talked on the porch of geigle. he made me laugh pretty much all night. we made out by the old torn down high school. we watched the sun rise at the baby badlands. i got three hours of sleep.
we promised eachother we would meet up in chicago, or wisconsin, whichever came first. they will be here until the second week in september.
a girl from chicago, a boy from ireland, meeting in south dakota. chances are, we will never see eachother again.
but i really would move to ireland.

one week until i am done here. i am feeling in awe of everything. i made it! and, holy shit, the summer is almost over. my last summer of being a college student. only one more year, and then i have to be a real person. or at least, pretend to be.
right now, i exist in a blur. nothing is stable. nothing is a given.
maybe thats why i told him i would marry him. ha. i just want something that is normal. or at least seems that way.

i think i mostly just really want to come home.

adventures, etc

2006-07-18T03:41:12Z

so ive returned. i got back from my adventure to custer/custer state park/hot springs about an hour ago.

the hike was generally relaxed, except the last couple of parts were pretty hard. when we got to the top, though, i had to sit down. i didnt think we were up as high as we were!

this is what i saw:

(i have pictures of my own, but no idea how to upload them to this...so i had to steal one).

it was amazing. i climbed out onto this giant rock and we sat and ate granola bars and fed three chipmunks for an hour, while i stared at the four-state expanse that you can see from the seven-thousand-foot-high mountain (highest point in SD).
i cant believe i was up this high without being on a plane! the air was noticably thinner as we got to the top. i went to the very top of the tower (the very absolute highest point in SODAK), and i could barely even look down without feeling like i was going to pass out.
the other tourists sat around, eating their sandwiches and drinking their water, and cheering on the others as they finally approached the top. "you are almost there! dont look down yet!" "c'mon you can make it! it is so worth it!"
and it was worth it. it was a tough hike...but it was worth it.

we also made it to hot springs. that is what small-town america should look like. it was mountainous and had cute shops and a nice library. everyone there was so nice. i also explored custer and stayed at a campground that had millions of bunnies running about.

i went to the mammoth site, too. it was very fun. it is an active archaeological dig, that you can watch. it definitely could appeal to an anthropologist/archaeologist, but also a little kid, too. they talked all about MNI, hyoid bones, dating techniques, etc.

i saw so many things! i cannot wait to tell you about how i saw the ram, and i fed three chipmunks, and was face-to-face with a buffalo on needles drive. i want to tell you about the prairie dogs, and the rocks, and the dirt (that was sparkly and beautiful, so the dirt on my feet after we were done was brown and silver and beautiful).
but i dont think i can give it justice.

i am in love with america again. i never thought places this beautiful existed...not ones that i could ever see. i am just in awe of everything right now.

EDIT:::
i went to go running this morning, but my butt is so sore from climbing yesterday, that i couldnt make myself do it. i want to hike more here and when i get home. does anyone want to go to devils lake/any other good hiking spots in wis-CAHN-son/illinois with me in the fall?
staying at the koa is fun and cheap, and i have my car...lets organize a trip!

zeroes and ones//variations on a theme

2006-07-05T03:51:37Z

today. i finally did it. i had my emotional breakdown. luckily, i made it to karen poppes office before the tears started to flow.
after it all went down, i went back to my store, still rubbing my eyes and feeling so absolutely silly. but i felt better! to tell mike and karen that things were just not good here. that i want to go home and to not stay here. that i do not feel appreciated or loved here.

they listened to me. they told me that i was doing so well here (probably better than she thought i would do!). they asked me to talk about the things i missed from home. i explained that i missed woodmans, and not needing a car, and intelligent conversation. i told them that i missed my friends and my teachers. i missed talking to people who generally thought i was an interesting person, not some bore.

but i felt better!

and im going to try.

tonite, despite my reservations, we are going to set off fireworks. you see, wall cannot afford to put off their own fireworks every year. so everyone goes to "the wounded knee" fireworks store right on the edge of town, buys some fireworks and collects their free bag of ice, to head to the baby badlands. everyone sits around and sets off fireworks into gods little oddity after the drugstore closes, drinks coronas, and avoids cops.

someday i will really let everyone know how i am doing. someday i will sit down and figure it out for myself.

today, i met a horse and a cat across the street from the 80ft brontosaurus. not many people can say that, i suppose.
but i still thought of you.

"and if you want me, youd better speak up...i wont wait. and if you want me, youd better move fast"

portionsfrfoxes @ 2006-06-18T16:04:00

2006-06-18T22:14:37Z

so-dak leads my (relatively strict) vegetarianism to veggie-lite. it has also lead my body from relatively decent health to a sizeable headache and laryngitis.

the storms here are so strange, as i may have commented before. every day is plagued with some sort of rainstorm, usually accompanied by a lot of thunderless lightening. the weirdest thing of all, however, is the fact that you can see the beginning and end of each storm by simply standing outside. it is like the clouds are just over you. it kind of makes the storms at home seem puny and enormous, all at once.
tomorrow is a much-needed payday, where i will pay for the things that i need to pay for and save the rest. i have some credit card bills and i owe my mom quite a bit of money (about twohundred dollars) that i intend on paying her tomorrow because i feel awful.

so-dak also leads to me missing my dad. it is fathers day and i still havent called him. i intend to do this. i am also making him a very loving package, including a sturgis shirt (he is a big harley fan though it is one of things that is just so impractical that he will never buy one), a "where the heck is wall drug" t-shirt, some pictures, and some letters.

i am homesick. letters and postcards are desperately requested.
510 main st.
box 401
wall, so-dak 57790

remembering, forgetting, and the fuzz inbetween

2006-06-13T12:58:57Z

the kitten died two days ago. i am pretty sure he was sick when he was born and thats why his mom abandoned him. i was sad anyway. i have also come to the conclusion that there are three things i should never have that i always (somehow) end up with: animals, plants, and clingy boyfriends. i only end up hurting them somehow.

we drank to sams memory. why is it that when im trying to remember, i always end up drinking? maybe because im trying to forget, in the most reverent way i can think of.

in any case, i was fucking blasted. i didnt drink one whole drink by myself, but quarters and thirds of everyone elses drinks (because we went to the bar that cards when you order but doesnt notice when underage-ians like myself drink from other peoples glasses). when we toasted to sam (and tyler, to sam being dead because he hated his incessant meowing), i toasted with water but then drank from brandons cup (a gin and tonic that he didnt really like but i drunkenly requested).

when i woke up the next morning, i was hung-over beyond belief. i slept until eleven, when my shift started at eleven thirty. when i finally got my ass out of bed and sauntered downstairs i found my roommmate, stacie, in one of our lounge chairs, sobbing. she went to a friends house after the bar the night before and (dont hate me for saying this) pulled an emily. she stood up on her foot wrong and fractured a couple of bones. then, being drunk when this happened, she freaked out and ended up, somehow, twisting her ankle.
i felt so bad, but could hardly help my lips curling up into a smile. i made her a peanutbutterandjelly sandwich before i ran to work.
i told her she shouldnt let me mother her too much. i might end up killing her on accident, like the cat or the millions of plants i promise myself i will take care of.

i work opening shifts this week, meaning i get off at 3:30 (mountain time). my time will be spent at the pool for a few hours each day after work, reading and sunbathing.

the house that guilt built

2006-06-09T01:55:24Z

i went to the pool and laid by myself. the furniture is all very sixties-inspired (if not actually from the sixties, which is very likely). there are dolphin figurines scattered throughout the pool area. there are chairs that have two panels on the side, to help aid the u.v. rays in reaching your side-skin. they are yellow. my big gramma sunglasses and leave-absolutely-everything-to-the-imagination-at-all-costs bathing suit fit right in with the decor.
i felt very much at that moment like those shots in movies where you see me, looking up (pale skin sizzling in the sun, bright pink bathing suit, silly sunglasses) and a sudden zoom out and out and out until i was only a pink speck, next to a giant blue speck. okay, honestly, i felt like i was in a wes anderson movie, with the colors and my ipod playing good music and the way in which i was taking in all the silliness so seriously and participating in it whole-heartedly. the fact that one could see irony in my attire never occurred to me...and it was completely unintentional.
i thought about a lot of things and listened to some of my favorite summer-sun cds. i wished everyone was there with me and that no one could be awkward with anyone else, and everyone loved eachother because i demanded it. it is MY imagination, afterall.
i did get a little sunburned.

last night, i made two of my housemates, andrea and stacie, some delicious mexican food. i made my delicious guacamole (which, apparently, half of wall, sodak, is addicted to) and some pseudo-quesadillas, with corn and tomatoes and etc. we watched our very first two movies from netflix--ellen degeneres live and shopgirl. we still have one more--transamerica. (we started shopping inexplicably in the gayandlesbian section of the website.).

i think i might walk the threehundred feet to the walldrug cafe (which everyone here says weird. they emphasize the "ah" instead of the "ey") to redeem my veggieburger basket meal that i got because our dorm won the dorm inspection for this week.

i am in a church in south dakota.

2006-05-25T18:34:41Z

there are fountains in this catholic church, with old relics and absolutely no one around. the only noises i hear are the buzzes from this ancient computer, running water, and occasional church bells.
the wind here blows and blows and everyone seems suprised by my suprise over the wind. (she is from the "windy city" you know. it is just because people from the windy city are full of wind and tell stories. not because there is really all that much wind. thats what they told me. they told me im no different from this initial impression).
despite the high-speed winds, life here moves a lot slower. the people who have trained me so far seem suprised by how "fast" i work. they assume it is because im from the "big city". i try to correct them and tell them im only from a SUBURB of chicago...forty minutes from the real thing. this still impresses them for some reason.
my nickname here is "hippie". i figured some of you might appreciate that.
my house is green and cute and very beloit-esque. everyone seems to love the fact that im an anthropology major. in fact, they want to give me a few days off to do the pig-dig in the badlands...maybe even pay me to go! i think this would make me happy.

the sky is so big here! ive never seen such a beautiful skyline. to take this place for granted! to think that it is just normal...these winds, and skies, and clouds, and hills (that i call mountains)!

a boy here likes me. his name is brandon and he is a firefighter. he picks me up sometimes, in his giant truck. he opens the door for me and says that i look nice. he has a cat named bob and a house of his very own. it makes me feel very grown up, when he offers me a beer, and im wearing a pretty skirt, with my hair in braids. one of these days, when we both have early shifts, he was wondering, maybe, if id go with him to rapid (city...everyone here just calls it rapid). i told him i would think about it, but i think i might just go with him.
nothing here feels temporary, though it is. i guess its just like college. you try to forget that you are only there for a set period of time and then it is over. you have to make it seem as normal as possible before you have to leave. i guess thats what im doing with brandon. he is becoming a good friend.

i want to feel not-so-bad about this past semester. i want to take all of that hurt away. things happened that i regret. there are things i need to get over. this makes me skeptical of things with brandon and i. we recognize that it is a silly thing, but we watch movies and pet his cat and talk talk talk talk anyway. maybe this is what i need to move past things. maybe i do need to be alone but i need someone to show me how.
i am so happy to be here. i hope the sky and the people will help me slow down and lighten up and be happy.

my lj page is in russian and i dont know how to change it. so hopefully you can read it.
also, i cannot access my voicemail right now, so if you call and i do not pick up and i do not know your phone number, maybe perhaps you could text message me that it is you?
i love you all and im about to start crying to think of how far away you all are and how much i want to talk to each and every one of you one last time before leaving.

it was everything i expected.

2006-04-30T18:31:05Z

well,
i feel like its hard to say goodbye to things that were supposed to mean ohsomuch.

the meaning of it all was overshadowed by how i told myself i needed to feel. i think im not ready to feel "in love" again. this experience proves it.
my dad used to say to my mom: "youve ruined me for all other women". this, of course, was when they were still in love. they would hold hands underneath the table. its hard to think that once you find this person you are just happy to be around, you cant see that the relationship has become abusive. for both of you. maybe you can be a better person without this love. maybe you can fall in love again, harderandfasterandmore than you ever thought.
for a long time, this doesnt matter. the warmth of the persons touch after a fight, after feeling so rejected and realizing that the other person really doesnt hate you, is enough.
all in all, i think its time for christine to set off on her own once more.

i keep dreaming that i am pregnant. it is bizarre. and creepy.
lets see what the internet has to say about this!:

If you are a younger woman who dreams of getting pregnant, but has no waking intention of doing so, it is likely that you are working through an archetypal transition into a new self-awareness. One of Jung's archetypes is the archetype of parenting or preserving the species. To see oneself engaged in such activity is to grow from being a child to identifying more prominently with adults.
If you are sexually active, but without the intention for pregnancy, your dreams of pregnancy may occur in harmony with your monthly cycle. In these dreams, there may be a certain amount of "what-if" anxiety that needs resolution.

i dont know so much about this one:
For a woman, this dream forcasts a happy increase in material wealth, but for a man, it is a warning against indiscriminate sex relations.

pregnancy - Desire a baby: You may be pregnant or its giving you what you want so you don't feel wanting. Don't want a baby just yet or you are a virgin: The dream is satisfying your instinct to have one. Someone else may be pregnant.

apparently, im just fucked up.

that is all for now.

EDIT::: i really miss my long hair. it will be a long journey, to grow it back out. but it will be grown out again by the time i graduate.
also, i am desperately homesick.

portionsfrfoxes @ 2006-04-27T18:02:00

2006-04-27T23:14:36Z

this has been a (at times, inexplicably) long week.

i am questioning several things in my life right now. i need to have a long talk but i dont know who to talk to about it. or maybe what i need even more is someone who will lay next to me and cry as we listen to sad music, with stoccato bursts of giggling.

1. i would like to know what i am doing this summer. as everyone elses' plans seem to be shaping up quite nicely, i am afraid i am not qualified for much of anything. or at least, not nearly as qualified as i thought i was.
-it is likely that i will be at home where i have no job and the only friends that will be home are the ones who only want to be near me is because--according to them--im only good to have around if im sleeping with them. the more i think of it, maybe it is true.
2. i am broke. my family is broke. without a job this summer, there will be no way that i can afford to be anywhere but home, living off of mac and cheese and hot dogs.
3. this semester is taking its toll on me. i am not happy in any of my classes. so much, that it is difficult for me to name all of the ones that i am in off of the top of my head. but i do have osteology terets. and it is almost over. i will be done. it will not be done well. but done.
4. i am feeling more and more unsure of things, as i get further into them. i want to be sure of something.

portionsfrfoxes @ 2006-04-26T17:49:00

2006-04-26T23:45:29Z

well, i suppose i got what i deserved.
the hilarity of the situation was wayy overshadowed by how much it hurt.

just like dad says: "chalk it up to experience". but i guess he also offered to throw a molotov cocktail in his car.
i suppose maybe someday he might be sorry.

"i cant remember why i hated you
i cant remember why i still do.
but im as sure the moon
moves around the earth"

portionsfrfoxes @ 2006-04-24T11:05:00

2006-04-24T16:10:36Z

i have a sunburn headache.

goddamn, i am ready for something.